The Book of Fortran

This is a tale of woe. If you are of a sensitive disposition, you may wish to look away now. This is a story of horror, hate, heinous crimes and naff programming...

In the dim and distant past, computers were strange and awesome devices. Few knew how to interface with them. They made strange whirring and clicking noises, and the only way to make them do what you wanted was to fill in strange punch cards. The computer would then look at the pattern of holes you had created, and whirr away to calculate many various things...

Now, physicists quickly saw the use of these devices, as it meant they could get away with doing less work - always a laudable aim. So they devised a language to use to talk to the computer called Fortran - its main aim was to enable computers to do the hard maths for them, and was designed very well for this purpose.

But things went too far. The physicists fell in love with their language, and spent more and more time with it. They revised it, and released updates every so often. But they never quite got away from the good old days, when all the input had to be formatted to fit on a punch card. And those physicist who had used the amazing devices known as computers in their early days, when they were the size of rooms (the computers, not the physicists...) still loved Fortran, despite newer languages coming onto the scene.

And so these physicists continued to spread the message of Fortran. But the world, and computers, had changed. No longer did computers need punchcards, no longer did languages have to be arcane. But the physicists had loved Fortran for too long, and they could not abandon it now. So they forced it upon the only people they could - trainee physicists, a.k.a. undergrads.

But the undergrads did not understand the physicists obsession with Fortran, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But still they were forced to program in Fortran. And even worse, they were forced to program in Fortran 77 - an update which was older than they are.

And then the undergrads discovered that the year below them had been rewarded for the undergrads wailing and gnashing of teeth, and could now use Fortran 95, and there was much anger among the undergrads, for they were still expected to use Fortran 77. And in this way, the undergrads became bitter, and twisted.

And so, the undergrads resolved that none should be able to escape the horror and trauma that they had suffered, and they decided that they would pick some few from their number who would have to become lecturers. These few would be given the task of ensuring all the students in their charge were forced to learn Fortran. And so the horror continues from generation unto generation.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do... Well, not in Fortran, anyway.